Pain

It’s been more than a month since I’ve written anything on this blog. My heart has been hurting for days and I know that I am not fully healed. I guess an explanation is necessary.

Tuesday, September 9th 2014: approximately 2:00pm.
It was any other normal day. Excited about seeing my parents on the 16th, getting my costume ready for Rose City Comic Con. I received a call from my sister in Oregon telling me my father had a heart attack. She didn’t know all that was going on but wanted me to call my husband and tell him. All she knew was he was on the way to the hospital.

My heart sank. I couldn’t believe it. It didn’t sound real to me.

I didn’t want to call my husband. What I wanted was to find out about my dad so I called my mom. As I was on the phone with her she told me they were trying to revive him. I was sick to my stomach. 3,000 miles away and I couldn’t hold my mom or be with my dad. The Chaplain at the hospital got on the phone to try and calm me down. I don’t remember how I was reacting but I do remember the chaplain asking me what she could do for me or what I wanted to do. I just told her I wanted to pray!

I asked God to save my father. Just keep him alive. But if it was his time to go, to take him home.

Just after I prayed my mom got back on the phone with me and told him he was gone.

My world seemed to come crashing down around me. I fell to the hard wood floor, my whole body convulsing from pain. Wailing at decibels that neighbors from 5 houses down the road could hear, I curled in a ball. I heard a car door from the street below and had a feeling it could be my husband. When i called him he said he was already there. I told him to get upstairs fast as I continued to wail.

I never thought, in my entire life, that I could every weep so loudly or that my body could feel that much pain. As my husband walked through the door I struggled to get up and grabbed his arms as I fell to the ground again screaming out that my dad was gone. He held me as cried and my body fell into exhaustion.

I don’t know how long it was before I stopped crying and became a bit more lucid, however my heart still felt heavy. I was far away from my family as they were grieving. I had no one but my husband where I was. To take my mind off of all the phone calls that were coming in and the tears that were being shed, I went back to making my cos-play.

On my birthday, August 26th, my dad and mom had sent me some money. I used that to purchase the fabric for my cos-play. Working on the project in a way, kept my mind off what had happened but also reminded me that he would’ve never wanted me to drop what I was doing and not finish it. So I did.

That Thursday my husband and I flew out to Oregon to help the rest of my family and grieve with them.

That next week we cremated my father and had his ashes placed in the Willamette National Cemetery. That weekend we had a Celebration of Life Service at our church and got to share laughter, tears, and many stories I never even knew about.

About two weeks before he passed he called me just to tell me that he was proud of me. It was the most random phone call I ever received from him, but it was good. The weekend before he passed him and my mom went on a road trip around Eastern Oregon. When they got back my dad told my mom that would be their last long drive. It’s like he knew he was going to be going home soon.

It’s now been over a month but the pain has not subsided. It still hurts. I keep thinking about all the things I won’t get to experience with him. Like getting to see the look on his face when I have a baby of my own or watching me get my master’s degree. So many things that I have yet to do and he will not be there for me to share my joy with.

My father was someone that I always came to for advice. He was a strong and gruff man but with a kind and tender heart. He would cry at moments that would surprise others, but not us. I remember moments when I was a kid of me falling asleep on his chest or him teaching me how to shoot for the first time.

I was really looking forward to coming back out to Oregon and getting to spend some time with my dad. I had plans to go fishing and hunting with him again, trudging the great outdoors. Now it’s all gone. Everyone tells me it will be all okay, and though I know that, it doesn’t keep the pain from creeping up.

I do know that it will take time for me to heal. I didn’t think I’d be able to write this now, but I’ve had some tremendous help from my friends and family reminding me that this was the best way to heal. So here I am.

Pain is still there, however my heart feels lighter.

Only for Awhile

I’m writing this to say I will be off for awhile. Not sure when my heart will be willing to write about everything that has happened the past couple days, but I will be back. Writing out my feelings is usually what keeps me calm and relaxed. However, i’m just not ready yet. 

My father passed away on Tuesday of a heart attack. It was unexpected. Right now I’m just trying to keep myself busy to not think about anything. When I do, the tears seem to come in buckets. I am flying down to Oregon to be with my family. One way ticket. Not sure when I’ll be back or if I’ll be there till we are supposed to move. For now I will be there to be with my family through this rough season. 

As for now, I am just taking a small break. My mind and heart really need it. 

Thank you!

God Bless

Not Always What it Seems

Six floors of sheer relaxation came into view as we pulled into the parking lot of The Ravel Hotel in Queens, New York. It was a four hour drive with a couple pit stops along the way, and less traffic then we thought. The small front lobby, masked in white painted walls, dark floors, and alien like chrome globes that dangled from the ceiling, made me want to disco till the morning light. White squared like arm chairs invaded the small space. We checked in, only to find that out of the five floors of rooms, we were blessed with the second floor. The door of our room sat kiddy corner from the elevator, making it possible to hear the dinging of the people carrier any time someone arrived at our floor.

A hall way, no bigger than a hotel luggage cart, lead us straight into the twilight zone. We were then zipped back in time to the seventies, where orange and gray walls were met with olive green couches, square lamp shades, and mock wood laminated floors with large lumps in the hallway. The poorly built chrome framed coffee table wobbled as soon as my foot touched the side. The glass top moved from its framing, just barely staying on. The puke orange headboard against the white bed sheets ties the entire room into a 1970’s themed abode, complete with mini bar and heavy liquor.

Don’t get your hopes up, we won’t be drinking any of it. If I even have a shot of the stuff in that fridge, I will be in the hospital in less than twenty minutes. Although a mini bar is a neat thing to have in any hotel room, in a junker place like this it is not really needed. Heck, they could’ve spent their money on some art for the bare walls rather than alcohol. I mean, it would be nice to stare at some other than a blank wall.  Top it all off, we have to pay to get on to the internet.

The only good thing this room has going for it; the bed is ten times more comfortable then the last hotel we stayed in. That being said, it’s not much, but we do with what we have. At least this hotel has a restaurant.

All this to say, don’t ever trust the pictures of a hotel on the internet. They are quite deceiving. I’m not saying all hotels have this issue, cause some of them look better in person than they do in the photos. Not this place. The photos made it look like a luxurious hotel which it is a far cry from. The pictures on their website make you think it’s right next to the water, when in reality it is a block from the water. On the roof top you get a clear view (at least from the angle of the photographer). Oh, and the subway station is a half a mile away from the hotel, which means a 12 minute walk. Starting to wish we would’ve stayed at the verve, but this is what we have and we will deal.

Thankfully there are no cockroaches!

Home She Went

Around 9:30 pm last night I received a phone call from my mom. I actually didn’t know my phone was ringing, so by the time I got to it she had hung up. I stopped for a second and knew it was time.

A little back story:
About a week before we left for Disneyland my mother and father told me that my Aunt June (my mom’s sister) was going to be taken off of Dialysis. I knew she wasn’t doing well, I just wasn’t sure all of the details. The doctors had said she would probably only last 10 days. Through the summer I would wait to hear from my mom and think that she would tell me Aunt June had passed, but no word. Midway through I thought, maybe she will be able to hold out until we move to Oregon so I can see her one last time. So I stopped expecting the call. 

Then the phone call last night happened. I just knew what the conversation was going to be. I called my mom back and as she picked up the phone I could her the stammer in her voice as she said Hi. She tried to keep the beginning of the conversation light by asking how I was and wondering what I was doing. Then she told me. Aunt June passed away. 

At first I was in shock. Not so much of the fact that she passed, but the fact that I had a feeling she did. I know God has the ability to give us those hints or feelings so I know it was Him helping me prepare my heart. Then came the tears. A trickling creek flowed down my face and onto my husbands shirt as he held me close. I was able to dry my eyes and have a conversation with my mom before letting her go.

The rest of the evening was quite dreary. I couldn’t think straight. I went to the bedroom early, laid on my bed and let the flood gates open. I believe my pillow and stuffed hippo were being drowned by my tears. My husband then came in and began to console me and let me cry while chatting about the memories I shared with her. 

This morning I made it to church (my stuffed hippo in tow). Through some great youth kids that I sat with and chatted about Doctor Who, Mt. Sinai, and anything else under the sun, I was able to push back the pain. During the worship we sang the song “It Is Well”. One of these days I will write about the story of the man who wrote that song, but for now, here are the lyrics. 

“It Is Well”
By: Horatio G. Spafford
http://library.timelesstruths.org/music/It_Is_Well_with_My_Soul/

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well with my soul,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul

And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

 

I couldn’t help but cry during this song. So much of it spoke to her being at rest and peace residing in me. It was than that I remembered that I should be happy for her. She knew Jesus. She had accepted Him into her heart, and I believe that she resides in Heaven at this moment, at the feet of Jesus, singing to Him, with His arms stretched out toward her. No more pain, sorrow, fear, or tears. She no longer has to battle the evil fight of being Bipolar or having diabetes. She is no longer blind! I am so thankful that she does not have to suffer and I praise the Lord she is home. 

She is HOME!

I love you Aunt June! Rest well in our Fathers arms for you are Home for eternity! 

 

Game Addiction… It’s Real!

People can become addicted to many things. Some addictions are good and others can be pretty harmful.

This is where I pose the question: Where does gaming fit into that equation?

I can’t help myself sometimes! Sometimes its the only thing I do all day. Not that I don’t have other things to do, but I get so involved that I forget what time it is. Many games do this to me, however there are a few in particular. 

World of Warcraft is the first on that list. Yes, I’m a girl and I play WoW! I like it! I’m not the only girl who plays either. I know many more! It’s a game where you sort of get sucked into the story line. If you don’t know the story line, then you start to become interested in it. I don’t know all about the story of what happened to who and how who got there, I kind of just play the game.

I play a healer the majority of the time, at least that’s what my main toon is. She is a Night Elf Restoration Druid. If you know the game then you know what I am talking about. If not, I’m not going to say  “go play it”, only cause the game is not for everyone. If you want to try it out, be my guest, fare warning, it’s addictive.

During the summer I stopped playing because my kids were here. I knew it would be a huge distraction for me and I didn’t trust myself to just not play it. I could be playing in the morning and then 2 hours later not realize I had not eaten breakfast yet.

I got my husband to play it with me, but he much prefers first person shooter games. I like first person shooters as well, however I get really nauseated if I play them for too long. Something about the movement of the camera. 

In fact, some friends of ours from Florida have a LAN party once or twice a year. Now it has turned into a WAN party since we moved. LAN is Local Area Network and WAN is Wireless Area Network (I believe. If i’m wrong don’t hesitate to correct me. My husband is the computer guru, not me.) We all set up computers, connect the network together and have one massive game play on either Battlefield 3 or 4, Call of Duty, or Unreal Tournament which is what started the whole thing. It’s pretty fun really! 

The other games I am addicted to is Star Trek Online, Star Wars the Old Republic, and all my Lego games on the XBox. I’m not nearly as addicted to these. 

I have to admit that I have a desire to play WoW again. Lately I have found that I get bored pretty quickly, only cause there is not much to do anymore. I have 4 level 90’s (highest level you can achieve at this point) and nothing else to do until the new expansion. I could work on a quest to get my legendary cloak, but gosh darn it, it takes forever! Oh well, it would be something to do. 

With all this, I find that my addiction has lessened dramatically since I first started to play. I guess this is a good thing as I’m not on it 24/7 anymore. When I do start to play again, I hope it will stay that way. 

I mean, a girls got to eat right?

On to the Hard Part

Well it’s official! We are moving back to Oregon! Not exactly sure what day as my husband wants to have a job lined up first, however, today he finally told his work our plan to move by the end of October. I’d like to be there earlier, but for now I’m just okay with the fact that we are moving back.

I was a ring of emotions today. I’m extremely happy, but now that we are starting to make some awesome friends here, I’m sad we will be leaving them behind. We already had to do that when moving from Florida to Massachusetts and it killed me to leave our friends and church we had there.

Like everything, God had a plan and it’s to only be here for a season.

Now’s the hard part. Job and place to live! First off we need to have a job lined up in order to know how much we can spend on a place. Second of all, we need to find a place that is in a decent area and not to far from the college I will be attending. I’ll be trying to find a job while there as well, but I will be waiting till we get there to do just that.

Good news is… we will be there before Portland Comic-Con! Yes you heard me correct! I am going to this one as well! After careful consideration, I decided to up my cosplay ante just a bit. for the Portland Comic Con I will be dressing up as the Wicked Queen from Once Upon A Time! Of course, this means I have to do some sewing and all that, but since we will be back in Oregon, I won’t have a difficult time finding fabric! :)

Most important thing of all, I’m happy to be returning from whence I came. My home. Every other place has just been temporary. I will always call Oregon my home! Thanksgiving and Christmases will no longer be just the two of us! I’ll get to make food for an entire family!

My stress level will be up the next couple months, which might mean a lack of blogging, however I will try my best to keep up!

Mode of Exhaustion

Do you ever get to a point where you are so exhausted, yet the first thing you want to do is just stay up a little longer?

I experienced that last night after coming home from the Comic-Con.

Yesterday morning I woke up at 5:30am and arrived at Comic-con around 8:30 with a couple of youth from our church, Will and Hannah. It was surprisingly easy getting to the location, even though it is in Boston.

If you know Boston at all, then you know what I am talking about. The roads are set up like 18th century roads that cut at extreme angles and make no sense when driving with hundreds of other cars. Parking was not as terrible as I thought it would be, so that was a huge plus! However, the standing outside in extreme temperatures of 80 degrees was not very fun at all. Okay it’s not that extreme, but when you are wearing a full black costume with genuine tactical vest then yes, it’s hot!

We met a really nice father and daughter who drove from Main to come to the event. They were interested in things I hadn’t ever heard of so it was nice to learn some new things.

The even coordinators let us in 15 minutes early which was a huge blessing. As we stepped inside, to the place where all comic book lovers declare heaven, it was daunting to say the least. The room was massive and had booth after booth crammed into as tight of spaces as they could. We roamed around looking at everything, barely stopping for a lunch break.

At one point I decided, after discussing with a vendor that there were pictures of Jason Momoa from Stargate Atlantis at his autograph table, that he would be the one I would be visiting! Yes I paid the 40 dollars to do so, but I don’t care. He is very friendly and has a really nice smile :) So yes, it was worth it!

We had snacks for lunch as the line for the eatery was looming around the entire room. In other words, mad house is how I could best describe it. The later it got in the day, the more jam packed it was.

Will dressed up as Jack Frost from Rise of the Guardians and there were so many people (mostly girls) stopping to get a picture either with him or just of him! Me and his sister would just laugh. It was fun to see it. There wasn’t a lot of people who knew who I was, and that’s okay. I think my costume would’ve been better for a Science Fiction convention.

No matter! It was a lot of fun anyway! There were so many cosplayers it was hard to keep up with. There was a short batman, but his costume was genuinely the best I had ever seen! One of the girls that dressed up as Harlequin did a phenomenal job! There was also Gandalf!

Anyway after coming home which was only at around 7pm, I could feel my mind drifting. Apparently as I was playing Lego Harry Potter (Years 5-7) I fell asleep. Wouldn’t surprise me. I could barely press a button on the control without feeling my muscles give out!

So this morning I woke up practically rolling off the bed to get out. I could hardly walk with my muscles shaking and feeling weak. I chalk it up to exhaustion mostly. I’m feeling much better now, however I know with a little more sleep, I’ll be as good as new!

-Jay

Me as Vala Mal Doran from Stargate SG-1 Season 10!

Me as Vala Mal Doran from Stargate SG-1 Season 10!

Me, Will, and Hannah leaving our fun day at Boston Comic-Con

Me, Will, and Hannah leaving our fun day at Boston Comic-Con

Hey Look! It's Mr. Fedrickson!

Hey Look! It’s Mr. Fedrickson!

Yes! They had a Tardis! Unfortunately, the line was so long, we didn't get our photos in it :(

Yes! They had a Tardis! Unfortunately, the line was so long, we didn’t get our photos in it :(

SAM_0559

Will and a Dalek! This Dalek even talked and moved around the room!

EXTERMINATE!!!

EXTERMINATE!!!