Pain

It’s been more than a month since I’ve written anything on this blog. My heart has been hurting for days and I know that I am not fully healed. I guess an explanation is necessary.

Tuesday, September 9th 2014: approximately 2:00pm.
It was any other normal day. Excited about seeing my parents on the 16th, getting my costume ready for Rose City Comic Con. I received a call from my sister in Oregon telling me my father had a heart attack. She didn’t know all that was going on but wanted me to call my husband and tell him. All she knew was he was on the way to the hospital.

My heart sank. I couldn’t believe it. It didn’t sound real to me.

I didn’t want to call my husband. What I wanted was to find out about my dad so I called my mom. As I was on the phone with her she told me they were trying to revive him. I was sick to my stomach. 3,000 miles away and I couldn’t hold my mom or be with my dad. The Chaplain at the hospital got on the phone to try and calm me down. I don’t remember how I was reacting but I do remember the chaplain asking me what she could do for me or what I wanted to do. I just told her I wanted to pray!

I asked God to save my father. Just keep him alive. But if it was his time to go, to take him home.

Just after I prayed my mom got back on the phone with me and told him he was gone.

My world seemed to come crashing down around me. I fell to the hard wood floor, my whole body convulsing from pain. Wailing at decibels that neighbors from 5 houses down the road could hear, I curled in a ball. I heard a car door from the street below and had a feeling it could be my husband. When i called him he said he was already there. I told him to get upstairs fast as I continued to wail.

I never thought, in my entire life, that I could every weep so loudly or that my body could feel that much pain. As my husband walked through the door I struggled to get up and grabbed his arms as I fell to the ground again screaming out that my dad was gone. He held me as cried and my body fell into exhaustion.

I don’t know how long it was before I stopped crying and became a bit more lucid, however my heart still felt heavy. I was far away from my family as they were grieving. I had no one but my husband where I was. To take my mind off of all the phone calls that were coming in and the tears that were being shed, I went back to making my cos-play.

On my birthday, August 26th, my dad and mom had sent me some money. I used that to purchase the fabric for my cos-play. Working on the project in a way, kept my mind off what had happened but also reminded me that he would’ve never wanted me to drop what I was doing and not finish it. So I did.

That Thursday my husband and I flew out to Oregon to help the rest of my family and grieve with them.

That next week we cremated my father and had his ashes placed in the Willamette National Cemetery. That weekend we had a Celebration of Life Service at our church and got to share laughter, tears, and many stories I never even knew about.

About two weeks before he passed he called me just to tell me that he was proud of me. It was the most random phone call I ever received from him, but it was good. The weekend before he passed him and my mom went on a road trip around Eastern Oregon. When they got back my dad told my mom that would be their last long drive. It’s like he knew he was going to be going home soon.

It’s now been over a month but the pain has not subsided. It still hurts. I keep thinking about all the things I won’t get to experience with him. Like getting to see the look on his face when I have a baby of my own or watching me get my master’s degree. So many things that I have yet to do and he will not be there for me to share my joy with.

My father was someone that I always came to for advice. He was a strong and gruff man but with a kind and tender heart. He would cry at moments that would surprise others, but not us. I remember moments when I was a kid of me falling asleep on his chest or him teaching me how to shoot for the first time.

I was really looking forward to coming back out to Oregon and getting to spend some time with my dad. I had plans to go fishing and hunting with him again, trudging the great outdoors. Now it’s all gone. Everyone tells me it will be all okay, and though I know that, it doesn’t keep the pain from creeping up.

I do know that it will take time for me to heal. I didn’t think I’d be able to write this now, but I’ve had some tremendous help from my friends and family reminding me that this was the best way to heal. So here I am.

Pain is still there, however my heart feels lighter.

Only for Awhile

I’m writing this to say I will be off for awhile. Not sure when my heart will be willing to write about everything that has happened the past couple days, but I will be back. Writing out my feelings is usually what keeps me calm and relaxed. However, i’m just not ready yet. 

My father passed away on Tuesday of a heart attack. It was unexpected. Right now I’m just trying to keep myself busy to not think about anything. When I do, the tears seem to come in buckets. I am flying down to Oregon to be with my family. One way ticket. Not sure when I’ll be back or if I’ll be there till we are supposed to move. For now I will be there to be with my family through this rough season. 

As for now, I am just taking a small break. My mind and heart really need it. 

Thank you!

God Bless

Home She Went

Around 9:30 pm last night I received a phone call from my mom. I actually didn’t know my phone was ringing, so by the time I got to it she had hung up. I stopped for a second and knew it was time.

A little back story:
About a week before we left for Disneyland my mother and father told me that my Aunt June (my mom’s sister) was going to be taken off of Dialysis. I knew she wasn’t doing well, I just wasn’t sure all of the details. The doctors had said she would probably only last 10 days. Through the summer I would wait to hear from my mom and think that she would tell me Aunt June had passed, but no word. Midway through I thought, maybe she will be able to hold out until we move to Oregon so I can see her one last time. So I stopped expecting the call. 

Then the phone call last night happened. I just knew what the conversation was going to be. I called my mom back and as she picked up the phone I could her the stammer in her voice as she said Hi. She tried to keep the beginning of the conversation light by asking how I was and wondering what I was doing. Then she told me. Aunt June passed away. 

At first I was in shock. Not so much of the fact that she passed, but the fact that I had a feeling she did. I know God has the ability to give us those hints or feelings so I know it was Him helping me prepare my heart. Then came the tears. A trickling creek flowed down my face and onto my husbands shirt as he held me close. I was able to dry my eyes and have a conversation with my mom before letting her go.

The rest of the evening was quite dreary. I couldn’t think straight. I went to the bedroom early, laid on my bed and let the flood gates open. I believe my pillow and stuffed hippo were being drowned by my tears. My husband then came in and began to console me and let me cry while chatting about the memories I shared with her. 

This morning I made it to church (my stuffed hippo in tow). Through some great youth kids that I sat with and chatted about Doctor Who, Mt. Sinai, and anything else under the sun, I was able to push back the pain. During the worship we sang the song “It Is Well”. One of these days I will write about the story of the man who wrote that song, but for now, here are the lyrics. 

“It Is Well”
By: Horatio G. Spafford
http://library.timelesstruths.org/music/It_Is_Well_with_My_Soul/

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well with my soul,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul

And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

 

I couldn’t help but cry during this song. So much of it spoke to her being at rest and peace residing in me. It was than that I remembered that I should be happy for her. She knew Jesus. She had accepted Him into her heart, and I believe that she resides in Heaven at this moment, at the feet of Jesus, singing to Him, with His arms stretched out toward her. No more pain, sorrow, fear, or tears. She no longer has to battle the evil fight of being Bipolar or having diabetes. She is no longer blind! I am so thankful that she does not have to suffer and I praise the Lord she is home. 

She is HOME!

I love you Aunt June! Rest well in our Fathers arms for you are Home for eternity! 

 

Mount Laundry

It’s that day again. The dreaded day where we stare at Mount Laundry, hoping to tackle it’s insane heights and strong smell.

It’s a daunting chore that, unfortunately, does not do itself. Oh how I wished it would. It wouldn’t be so bad if we didn’t have to take Mount Laundry to a Coin-op Laundry to do it.

We gather the clothes, throwing them into three to four baskets (depending on if it’s been 1 or 2 weeks since it was last conquered). Walk them three flights down, squish them into the vehicle, drive to the laundry mat, sort the clothes (taking up 2 to 3 large washers), then wait till it is all finished. Of course, after washing we toss them into dryers, then fold them as soon as they are finished. At that point we do the first three steps, just opposite.

It’s not so bad when the clothes consist only of Jon and I’s, but with the kids here, Mount Laundry became as tall as a small sized Mt. Everest. Okay, so maybe not that large, but it’s big.

I don’t mind folding my clothes. They are large enough that when stack on top of each other, they don’t plummet to the ground. When folding kids clothes, one pile of shirts must become two.

No matter what it is, laundry is never fun when you have to do it somewhere else other than your home. We make do with it cause it saved us on rent, but I miss having my own washer and dryer.

I was able to do laundry throughout the week rather than once a week or every other week. I was able to put them away rather than let them sit in baskets for a week.

After we finish at the laundry mat, we are so pooped from that chore that we don’t even want to put our clothes away.

Oh well, at least they are clean.

Now off to conquer and defeat Mount Laundry. Wish me luck.

-Jay

LEGO Madness

Have you ever stepped on a lego?  

If you have kids, go to someones house with kids, or have nieces and nephews that play with Legos, than you know how it feels. It’s like sticking a hot poker up your foot. The piece may not be burning, but the moment you step on it, your whole foot feels like it’s on fire. It’s not pleasant. 

Since my kids have arrived, I have not had a day without stepping on at least one lego piece. They are usually scattered throughout the office space since it is the largest floor space we have in the house. I debated having them relocate them to their room, however, we would never find another lego again. 

We love Lego’s in this house. We will sit with the kids and build all kinds of things. At this moment in time they are building bases, forts, and houses with stores. 

I remember when they first got them. They felt like they needed an instruction manual to build anything. They would get frustrated because of the lack of exact pieces to create whatever they wanted to do. Through the years they gradually opened their mind and expanded their imagination. 

It’s hard living in a place without a yard, so the Legos are a blessing. I’ve wanted to take them to the park, but I came down with a severe cold so the park has been out of the question. However, another blessing is the XBox 360 Kinect. They each got a game for the kinect and for 40 minutes they play it. Josh’s favorite is Star Wars, and I don’t blame him. He was working up a sweat playing that game.

At least they get to keep busy. Just hope I don’t have to step on anymore Legos!

-Jay

 

Disney day 2

Well we are on day two and at California Adventure side. We’ve done all the big rides so far like  California Screamin and Tower of Terror. We also did the new cars ride Racers, which was awesome!

The kids have loved all of it so far… even wanting to go on all the big rides again! My kids are troopers.

UPDATE:

We are almost done with our day and the weather is getting cold. My legs are burnt but I will live. We are going to watch the World of Color show tonight and afterwards the kids are going back to the hotel while those who want to stay up till midnight will go across to Disneyland and ride some more rides!

That has been our basic day so far. We only have one more day and then it’s back to Boston we go. It saddens me to say such things!

 

-Jay

 

A Disney Day

It has been one CRAZY week!! Right now we are in Disneyland and about to watch the fireworks show. It’s quite exciting and I’m typing this on my phone, so when I return I will let you know how everything went!

UPDATE:
Well we are back at the hotel room. My kids are sleeping soundly and my parents are snoring loudly in the room next to ours. It’s easy to drown out by the murmur of the air conditioner. Jon (my husband) is trying to upload all the pictures from today on his computer, and well I… I’m just writing this blog and doing my best not to fall asleep writing it.

I was determined to write one today as I completely spaced out yesterday’s post. I am here now!  Let me tell you a bit about our crazy week.

TUESDAY – caught a 6:30am flight to Houston, TX and from there to LA, California. We arrived here in California around noon. Tuesday was just a day for Jon and I to kick back and relax before the kids arrived.

WEDNESDAY- I get a stream of text messages from my sister about how close they were. While we were waiting Jon and I found this cute store called Geeky Mamas.  The store was all girl stuff and all nerd!! My absolute favorite store now. I found a shirt there that has the Tardis on it, plus Belle (Beauty and The Beast) in her small meadow.

We met up with my family and went to dinner at the Jazz Kitchen in Downtown Disney.

THURSDAY- MAGIC MORNING MADNESS! We got to the park an hour earlier and rented scooters for my dad and Brother-in-law. We had a wonderful time riding all the rides but my highlight of the day was getting to meet Captain America!! He may not be as good looking as the original, but he was still darn cute!!  The kids’ picture is on photo pass so we have to wait for some more photos to get that one.

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We did the fireworks show which after that my kids and parents walked back to the hotel (around 10pm). Jon and I stayed with Joyce, Ryan, and Daniel! In two hours we rode Thunder Mountain twice, Mad Hatter Tea Party, Snow White’s scary adventures, and last but not least STAR TOURS!

It was a fun day and we are really excited for tomorrow’s day at California Adventure. I’m about to fall asleep right now, in fact I believe I have been falling asleep now and then since writing this!

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-Jay